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“Let’s go have a coffee” – you can go wrong with this classic date initiation phrase

Meet, talk, smooch: yes, there are magical first dates. But usually the classic date is a merciless tribunal. That’s why our author has stopped doing it and prefers to find the man different.

I don’t believe in the principle of dating. This “now we meet and talk and then we decide whether we can imagine making out.” In 90 percent of the cases the result is negative. How can you make such a decision at the end of a tense meeting in a café or (better) a bar?

The fact is, of course, we do that anyway. And because we hardly get to know people at all, in this artificial date situation, we pounce on small disturbers. He’s ordering a caramel macchiato? Embarrassing, feminine, wrong drink – wrong man, the verdict is on. Is he making a bad joke? The guy’s out before he could laugh about it. Of course, there are magical first dates, without pauses in conversation and questions about hobbies. Since I’ve been dating (I was around 13), I’ve been around one and a half.

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For a bigger story, a colleague recently wrote a circular to the large mailing list with the question: How does he or she disqualify himself or herself on the first date? The answers were shockingly strict and petty. Many people punish themselves when they ask “Do you want to have a coffee?” – after all, they want to decide for themselves what they want to drink.

Others complained about hats or wrong expressions. It seems like you really have to get every detail right to stand your ground before the merciless date tribunal. That’s why I stopped dating years ago. Because I’m the same myself – if his scarf is tied incorrectly, I quickly find it unmanly and it takes many good moments to make up for it.

So at some point I started taking young men out for walks with my dog. That wasn’t a waste of time (the dog has to go out anyway!) And the situation is at least a little more informative than sitting across from each other with a hot lemon.

The tragic thing is that we are missing out on loved ones because of this hasty sorting out, I’m sure of that. “I would never have met my current boyfriend a second time if we had met on a classic date,” Miriam tells me. Just because they had to work on a project together for weeks did she eventually forget that he was too small and that his shirt collar was raised. And fell in love with his humor and shared moments. This is not a practicable tip for all date disappointed – but maybe an incentive to be a little more gracious on your next date.

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